Tennis and insecurity

The Raptors won last night.  I am still holding my breath.  Let's see what happens Sunday.  It was such a fun game to watch.  I started to think I should get a Siakam jersey but I'm sticking with Lowry.

Recently I read Andre Agassi's autobiography Open.  I have not read many sport biographies but this one was fantastic.  Agassi is decisive, loyal and disciplined.  The game drives him but clearly his motivation is the fierce need to compete and  conquer that ultimately pushes him to win.  This doesn't stop with tennis, this is clear in every facet of his life.  I've noticed this is a common theme that particularly accomplished people seem to all have in common.  Whether they are athletes, actors, writers or cultural icons (think Steve Jobs) they all manifest incredible insecurity combined with incredible self discipline.  It's almost like they can't stop until they get wherever they need to go.  It's inspiring and Agassi doesn't disappoint.  I would say he is more self-aware than most, he seems to manage his emotions and hold his own counsel.  Although there are some self-destructive tendencies, for the most part, he has a pretty good head on his shoulders. Put it this way I grew to really like the guy as the book progressed.  I didn't like Steve Jobs by the time I finished his biography.

Another interesting aspect of iconic people is that they often turn to philanthropy.  Agassi is no exception.  He established a charter school in 2001 in west Las Vegas.  I found it hard not to be impressed. While married to Brooke Shields he traveled to Africa and met Nelson Mandela (because that's what superstars do) and had an epiphany.  He figured out that giving back is bigger than him, the larger purpose he could never figure out.  That's nice when you're 27 years old.  Ha!  Nonetheless, I was duly impressed and  it  reminded me that I do need to read Mandela's autobiography; Long Walk to Freedom.  I am starting to think the best way to get out of your own head is to focus on something that's not about you. 

Bye bye Facebook

Roughly a month ago, I deleted Facebook off my phone.  I was checking the site about 10 times a day if not more often.  It was a distraction and a bit of a nervous habit.  I was also finding it made me anxious.  To be honest, a bit reminiscent of when I used to smoke. People post pictures that make them feel better about themselves yet socially isolate other people who live in their community.  I remember once seeing a neighbor's post of a BBQ that made me feel incredibly excluded. All under the guise of "sharing", I tend to think of it as marketing one's life. I am trying to keep mine a little bit more authentic.

I also find people use Facebook to dump out their toxic vitriol.  Some use it as a forum to manipulate other people's perceptions.  Quite frankly, if you don't like yourself you can recreate yourself via social media. This is Facebook at a personal level.  I'm not even touching the political manipulation, abuse of personal information or lack of ethics the company has been attacked for lately.  You know, the whole concept of interfering with the democratic process of nations. Why would we worry about that when we can post a picture of the sunset?

The first couple of days without the app readily available to access were hard.  I found myself automatically going to my phone to take a peek at my wall. Eventually that stopped.  To be honest I don't really care enough about my "friends" to the extent that I have to look at their dinner or what hotel they stayed at on their vacation.  I think it feeds a strange societal narcissism and contributes to social isolation. Quite frankly, I'd rather my friend or family member told me what they were up to when we spend time together. For now I'm out.  I am entitled to change my mind but I keep forgetting about Facebook.  I have found other distractions. 

I miss Mr. Rogers 

Recently I watched the Mr. Rogers documentary; Won't you be my neighbor with my 14 year old daughter and 17 year old son.  Those of you familiar with Mr. Rogers would have particular memories that stand out.  I always took comfort when he would come inside and change his shoes and jacket.  He would put on his indoor shoes and sweater leaving the outside firmly where it belonged.  This was also an indication that he was settling in and spending some time with me.  As I learned watching the documentary, that was deliberate.  Mr.  Rogers loved children and was intent on making them feel safe in a world that was often chaotic and scary.

Fred Rogers was an ordained minister.  He believed that television could be a medium through which children could be positively influenced. He carefully crafted a world where make believe and real life were distinctly different.  The puppet shows were fantasy and he never physically went in to that world.  Wherever he was, physically, was the real world.  That was clear to the children and was meant to establish trust. He believed that children deserved honesty.  Not only did they deserve honesty but that they were capable of handling honesty if it was communicated clearly and carefully.  The show was designed as a platform targeted to convey to children that they matter.  That every child is special just the way they are because they are themselves.

I think kindness is in short supply these days.  Perhaps I am being sentimental but I think I had the luck to grow up in a slower, gentler and more forgiving time.  Boredom allowed for creative play and personal space. I think Mr. Rogers embodied that with his show.  The documentary explains how he loved moments of silence.  He would take time on the show to build a pyramid with brightly colored paper cups, set an egg time for a minute and wait for it to finish quietly or feed his fish.  As a child, I remember those moments and feeling like time was unlimited.  I couldn't give that to my children.  Technology was always hovering in the background.  They had a good childhood but it was more invasive and fast paced.  External gratification gradually crept in and even though I stayed home for six years I had trouble keeping out the rest of the world.

My kids were riveted by the documentary.  They were too young to watch Mr. Rogers.  They clearly understood this was a special man.  There was some laughing and snickering because initially his voice and the puppets can make people feel awkward.  Ultimately he had a profound impact on both of them, my son took great pride in being alive before Mr. Rogers passed in 2003.  The producers of the documentary asked his wife what she thought Mr. Rogers would have made of the world today, she was at a loss for words.  She thinks he would have tried to bend to help children.  I'd like to think so too.  Mr. Rogers made my childhood feel safer and sometimes I was scared.  There was great comfort in feeling understood in a world that often confused me.  Mr.  Rogers understood that children are vulnerable and need to be protected. He is missed.   

How I get little crushes

I was in Philadelphia this past weekend when the Raptors won.  I was at an American bar with some good friends, all Canadian of course, cheering the Raptors to the finals.  That is a moment I will never forget.

I would describe myself as woman who really likes other women.  That sounds like a bazaar statement but it's truly how I feel.  Society sets us up to compete with other women.  We are schooled very quickly as little girls, to measure ourselves against other little girls.  How pretty we are, how curvy or thin we are, how good at sports or how smart we are in comparison.  The drive for a woman to be perfect is relentless. Lidia Yuknavitch, writer of the phenomenally honest memoir; The Chronology of Water: A Memoir debunks the myth of female perfection with her absolute refusal to meet any expectations except her own.  She is a woman I admire.  A woman who inspires me.  Every once in a while I develop a crush on another woman and that person captures a little piece of my heart.

I first came across Yuknavitch through a Ted Talk; The Beauty of Being a Misfit. Toronto had a particularly harsh winter and I would sit at my desk during my lunch break and pound 3 talks back a day.  Yuknavitch's Ted Talk fascinated me.  I identify with misfits, I like different.  I like people who struggle, fight and grow. I like people who show vulnerability and true confidence.   I seek out authentic people and immerse myself in them.  Immediately after the Ted Talk I ordered the book.

The Chronology of Water is a memoir about a fiercely  independently minded woman who is finding her way through life.  Beset by horrific personal demons and an abusive home, her athletic ability wins her a swimming scholarship to Texas Tech.  A tremendously bright woman, she is tortured by her own past which sets her up for a journey of self-destruction that had me riveted.  A natural fighter she makes hard choices but every time she falls down she gets back up.  Refusing to let life get the best of her she ultimately achieves a PhD from the university of Oregon and is published. I don't need to tell you more, you can read the book.

I think what struck me most about Yuknavitch, what caught my interest was her uncompromising belief in herself.  She makes no apologies for her choices, good or bad.  She lives out loud. She is an authentically real person.  Consequently, she reached something in me. I inhale books and I am a speed reader.  Rarely does an author capture my attention this fully.  I guess that is the beauty of art.  Somebody else's perspective and story can strike a chord in you and make you feel that more alive and connected.   

Desk Jockey 

That was a fantastic game last night.  The Raptors dominated the  game.  Leonard was his usual brilliant self, Powell was on fire and Gasol played a strong game, landing the most assists. Ibaka held his own and Lowry, well Lowry is my favorite.  It was nice and steady. I'm not holding my breath for Thursday but I'm optimistic.

I struggle with obligation and commitment.  I will provide you an example  A friend texts me mid-week to hang out on the weekend.  The typical text would be; What are you up to this weekend?  I immediately go in to panic mode.  How will I fit in everything I want to do; my reading, the Saturday Globe and Mail and the lazy expectation of an empty day?  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends.  What I struggle with is committing to a time and day.  How do I know how I will feel in that moment?  What if I am on the last chapter of my book and I need another hour?  What if N and I are in the middle of a good talk? My flow will be interrupted and the day will be disjointed.  Text me right now, I will most likely say yes because that is in the moment.  I don't like to feel restricted.  Work does enough of that for me.

 Five days a week I have no options.  I wake up at 6:25 AM and I come home later in the afternoon.  I follow a very carefully structured day problem solving.  My mind is on loan for 8 hours a day.  There is no flexibility in this arrangement.  In the last eight years I've had ten days off in a row, I couldn't even manage a full two weeks.  Therefore, I am possessive of my free time.  I am particular about how I spend every moment. I don't covet things, I want time.  Time allows for the accumulation of experiences.  And experiences are what define a life.  That is what nine to five steals from us.  Time.  We exchange the precious commodity of time for a warped sense of "security".  We buy into the program well before we understand the consequences.  Mortgages, school districts and what other people think of you.  Always, we compare ourselves to other people.  The ever present voice in our heads, pushing us forward.  The drive to accomplish, be productive and achieve.  The void that can't be filled by what we are led to believe is happiness.

I was not naive in my youth.   I knew it was the path of least resistance and I understood there were alternative ways to live. I was always a voracious reader and a keen observer.  However, I also had no interest in going without and I knew money equaled freedom.  I am persistent by nature and comfortable with biding my time.  Throughout the fog of youthful angst I always maintained a practical streak.  I recognized early on that suffering was the only way to achieve success. I looked at all the life choices around me and made decisions about how I could carve out my path if I was patient and diligent. I made some mistakes in hindsight. However, I also made some good choices.

The question I keep asking myself over and over again is;  What is a life?  We are born, we live and we die.  What is the meaning of our significance while we are here?  From what I've observed, I don't think anyone really cares what you do.  They aren't terribly interested in what you have or accomplish. This is all bigger then you.  Your world is small.  So you need to make it count and you need to figure out what this all means to you.  I am happiest when I travel.  I love the freedom, the anonymity and the discomfort of the unknown.  That is the dragon I am chasing.  I can't wait to experience other cultures, eat different food and meet different people.  I want to understand more so I can try and understand what makes us all so different yet so much alike.  My intention is to eventually live in different countries.  Not visit as a tourist for a couple of weeks but live within the community and explore.

In the meantime I will remain a peon.  An institutionalized desk jockey.  To be honest,  it could be worse.  I don't mind my job.  There are good things about working and days when this is more then enough.   Days where I think, maybe this is as good as it gets.  Then, my mind starts to wander.  I hear the surf crashing against the shore, I smell the salty air and I dream a little.  I manage to refocus my mind and convince myself I can have it all, just not all at the same time.  The beauty of getting older is being able to take stock of how you got  here and why you want to get over there.  I'm midway through the writing of my book.  This is part two.  I think when all is said and done, the key to a good life is living authentically. If you are making choices that  reflect your values then you are living a deliberate life

Might as well be Monday

I woke up feeling miserable this morning.  I don't like Mondays.  I know it's Tuesday but it might as well be Monday.   I have such a hard time pushing myself out the door and accepting the reality of the work week.  This is, truly, when I hit the wall of frustration and angst about how I got here. This is when I truly agree with all the bloggers railing against the evils of corporate culture and the slow erosion of creativity at a societal level.  I think what I struggle with most of all is that I am forced to leave my home, leave N, leave my kids and the comfort of flow.  The week's ugly head rears itself with a relentless rigidity and demands your focus. I try and suck it back.  The rewards of a salary, benefits and the illusion of security.  Right now it's all I can do. I have a 5 year plan.  In the mean time I comfort myself with little escapes and rewards.  An upcoming trip to Philadelphia.  The Raptors game tonight.  A mani/pedi Thursday.  I feel defeated but I shall persevere.  I know this is just for now. I hope you are having a better morning.  I will cheer up.  

A couple movies to pass the time

The Raptors won last night in double OT.  I figured they would, because it was a home game and the disappointing effort on Friday would have motivated them to play with more focus.  I've put myself in a bad position for Tuesday's game because I'm committed to seeing End Game with some friends.  My kids  saw it without me, which was fair.  I was too busy to catch it on opening weekend.  So I've decided I will go Tuesday but I am rationalizing my decision with the argument that Thursday's game is more important.  Such is life, there is a lot to see and do. 

This weekend has just flown by and the extra day is such a treat.  I managed to fit in two movies.  John Wick and The Invitation.   It was nice to have the time, I rarely get to do that anymore.  My son got me on the John Wick bandwagon,  although I will admit to having already been very intrigued.  I had recently read an interview with Keanu Reeves in GQ magazine.  I like him.  I think he is good people.  Apparently John Wick was a game changer for him and reignited his career.  I tried watching it years ago and it hadn't clicked.  This time I was pleasantly surprised.  I watched the movie with my two kids and was thoroughly entertained.  It was actually pretty funny and Reeves plays campy cool brilliantly.  It's only 100 minutes long which is refreshing because you know you have to settle in for those intense fight scenes.  I can only take those for so long and my mind starts to wander but I was not bored at any point.  Next on the list is John Wick 2. 

The Invitation was a different genre; thriller, horror and drama wrapped into one.  Again, short and sweet running at 100 minutes.  Essentially, the plot is about a dinner party that goes astray and as you're watching your spidey senses are constantly a tingle.  As I've gotten older I've grown to love mystery.  In particular I've taken to murder mystery literature.  I really like trying to figure out what is going to happen and solve the mystery.  I had The Invitation figured out pretty quickly but it was interesting seeing how it unfolded.  It was disturbing and well written.  And again, I wasn't bored at any point.  My son and I took great pleasure in guessing the next twist and turn. 

I like weekends like this, where time meanders and you're surrounded with friends and family.  I had lots of reading time too and will finish up Tana French's The Wych Elm this week.  The sun has been shining and I feel settled and ready to tackle the week. I wish I could hold on to time.  It just keeps passing.

Living amongst the Bears

The Raptors had a disappointing loss last night.  The kids scattered in distraught silence.  Hopefully, the game back home on Sunday will set things right.  I kept nodding off in exhaustion and frustration.

I recently read a book by Charlie Russell and Maureen Enns called Grizzly Heart; Living without Fear Among the Brown Bears of Kamchatka.  I read it in January, in the midst of packing up my home of 14 years to move in with N and his two boys.  The book was incredibly inspiring and provided me with a mental escape as I wrestled with all the emotions that this change would mean for my kids and I.  I always find the books I read mark a passage in my own life. 

The title is pretty explanatory.  Charlie and his partner, artist Maureen Enns, travel to Siberia.  They adopt three cubs from a zoo and hand raise them in Siberia. Their intention is to raise the cubs to adulthood.  And when I say hand raise the cubs, I am being literal. They hand feed them, they play wrestle with the cubs,  hike and swim with them. The bears see them as their parents. The plan is always to raise the cubs to be independent and be reintroduced into the wild. In the mean time, a bond of trust and love develops between the bears and Charlie and Maureen that is touching to observe. 

It's a beautiful story, providing the reader with fascinating insight into Grizzlies and how they can peacefully live amongst humans.  On a more subtle level, it's the story of two people who follow their passion to live a life crafted carefully by themselves.  They embrace the danger and adventure of raising these cubs with  a commitment and dedication that I found humbling.  Living in the wilderness of Siberia, in Grizzly country, is not for the faint of heart.  As opposed to seeking out austerity for the sake of it they choose to live in austerity while supporting the environment and embracing non consumerism and minimalism.  They didn't aspire to the status quo and what struck me throughout the book was their commitment to something beyond themselves.  To helping vulnerable and victimised animals.  That is a deliberate and authentic life.  Charlie Russell has since passed and Maureen Enns is a celebrated Canadian artist. Her sculptures are world renowned.  This was a good story and one I will continue to revisit. 

Get busy living or get busy dying

I would like to live a deliberate live.  I am aware that a life not examined is not much of a life. I have an insatiable curiosity about this world.  I try to absorb as much about the world around me as possible. The frustration lies in not being able to explore without restriction. That feeling has been building over the last few years.  As a young woman, I sought comfort not adventure.  Such was my experience in life I was scared of what was beyond my own, carefully tended little world. Now, I am determined to be uncomfortable.  To seek out experiences as opposed to maintaining the status quo.  However, let me be clear, the choices that have gotten me here were deliberate.  In order to become the person I am today I had to find comfort and security in myself.  It is only when one feels secure that one can allow themselves to be insecure. And of course hindsight is 20/20. 

I inhale books, blogs, movies and podcasts.  I use every vacation day to travel.  I push myself to connect with other people.  Not only will I live a deliberate life, I plan to live as big a life as I can handle.  Joy is everywhere, you have to be strong enough to open yourself up to the experience so that you can feel alive.  Andy Dufresne nailed it in The Shawshank Redemption? " I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really.  Get busy living or get busy dying."  I plan to get busy living.

The Raptors play tonight in Milwaukee at 830PM.  I will be watching.  We need a win. My house will be tense.  

Shameless

The Raptors lost last night.  Disappointing but only by 8 points.  We can come back.

The paradox of the grind vs chasing the carrot at the end of the stick is one I wrestle with daily.  Money and quality of life are huge motivators.  An example of this paradox is the show Shameless.  Poverty, addiction and abuse are difficult to overcome.  The cycle of poverty leads to instability and lack of options.  Lack of options traps one in a life of grinding disillusionment and dead end jobs.  For those of us that had the privilege of access to higher education, who have been raised in the warm bosom of gentrification we have been able to make choices.  Those choices have allowed us to reject standard norms.  Minimalism points to having enough stuff to do without and still be okay. Education allows one to pursue a life that isn't reliant on a weekly pay cheque.

I've carefully orchestrated my life to have choices.  I had my kids when I was in my 20s.  I bought real estate at a young age.  I followed my gut.  I'm the first to say I will walk away from conventionality and I will live life on my terms.  I think the corporate world is stultifying.  However, there is a lot to consider when a life of entitlement has been your reality. 

Back to Shameless.  Check it out, there are 9 seasons.  Then ask yourself is chaos and anarchy the right path?  I'm not sure what I think.  The one sure conclusion I've drawn is that intelligence is a handicap. It forces you to question. 

Hobbies that ease the daily grind

Lately, I've been reading a lot of fantastic blogs.  I binged Cait Flanders until she stopped; https://caitflanders.com and now I get her updates via email and follow her on Instagram. I read David Cain's raptitude regularly; https://www.raptitude.com and I recently stumbled on New Escapologist; http://newescapologist.co.uk/.  I find them all inspiring.  I'm fascinated with the idea of leaving the grind.  I struggle with 9 to 5. I am well aware that time is precious.   I want every moment to count. However, I am not one to jump on the bandwagon.  Life is complicated and requires a great deal of analysis and consideration.  Work serves a purpose. Work provides stability and structure in a chaotic world.  I am not drinking the Kool-Aid but I am interested in thinking outside the box. Obligation is the stuff that makes up a life. It took me a long time to get here.  I'm just starting to consider other options.

So I think I would like to talk about the hobbies that get me through and maybe relate them to how life works from my perspective. Books,  movies, HBO, travelling and of course my beloved Raptors.  Tonight I will be tuning in at 830 PM, bells ringing. N and I found a new show on Netflix.  Rita.
Very cutting edge if you dig Scandinavian culture. My son and I are gradually working our way through Fargo, we just wrapped up Shameless.  I think tonight will be a good night.