Thursday, June 27, 2019

Goodbye June, you are an exhausting visitor

June is always a particularly difficult month in my world.  It's a month of obligations, birthdays and tight schedules.  It's funny too because my birthday is in June.  Last June I was so run down I had a bout of bronchitis.  This is the time of year when I am particularly overwhelmed and just wish I could hit the stop button. 

The kids are worried about exams and my daughter is overwhelmed with dance.  N has an incredibly demanding baseball schedule with his son and we have a hard time carving out space for ourselves.  Work is relentless and demanding. We have social obligations and it just so happens the Raptors did pretty well this year. That may have taken up a bit of time.  So I am drained and burnt out. I struggle with this pace and it reinforces my plan to take the Escapology route in due time.   What I have figured out about myself is that I need a lot of time for reflection and regrouping.  Half the battle is just accepting that is who I am and learning how to adjust how I live my life accordingly.

I am so happy with my big, busy and full life.  I am so grateful for all the wonderful people that make up my life.  I just want more of them and less of 9 to 5.  The kids and I are off to New York tomorrow.  It will be 4 days and 3 nights of whatever we want to do.  No obligations, no schedule and no demands.  We will just wander about and be absorbed by the city that never sleeps.  This is when I get to call uncle.  And then it will be July.  Goodbye to another June. 

Monday, June 24, 2019

Learning about my country and it ain't all good 

This weekend I started reading Tanya Talaga's investigative book Seven Fallen Feathers.  It's about the death of seven Indigenous boys in Thunder Bay.  As a Canadian you are taught about native culture.  I spent 2 years in Calgary, AB and we were educated about the plains natives and the Iroquois.  I've been to Billings, Montana and toured Custer's last stand.  My uncle taught on native reserves in northern Saskatchewan and as a child I used to visit.  I remember they were poor, there was always a mangy dog tied to a post, there was one general store and the houses were depressing. I remember in Saskatoon, SK the natives were at the mall all the time and my cousins hung out with a lot of native kids.  I took it for granted. I knew they were different from me and I knew they lived on reservations.  My family didn't talk much about them at all.

What I didn't learn about was the residential schools or that 80 % of native children in native treatment centers have been sexually abused. Or that the RCMP would  go into native family homes and forcibly remove their children to be put into residential schools.  That approximately 6000 native children died in the residential schools where they were being preyed upon by pedophiles and experimented on by Canadian scientists.  Or that Winnipeg was filtering fresh lake water that was meant to be for the reservations.  That during the tsunami Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin ensured that foreigners received aid while our own people lacked for clean water and sewage systems or electricity.

This book is incredibly well researched and informative.  I've always struggled with how I feel about Canadian natives.  I didn't fully understand why they were unable to assimilate into Canadian society but the more I read and learn the more I understand the obstacles that prevent assimilation.  The inherent Canadian racism, the history of cultural genocide the Canadian government subjected them too.  The way of life that goes back hundreds and hundred of years. The fact that they were here first.  That we were the bad guys and have not been able to remedy the issue.  Prime Minister Trudeau has opened up a dialogue on this issue and brought the problem into the public arena where it can't be hidden or swept under the carpet.  I think that's the first step.  I may not understand why this is happening but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.  If I am going to preach tolerance and unity I need to start at home.

I highly recommend this book.  In fact I think every Canadian should read this book.  These boys could be our sons.  Yet they are not treated how our sons would be treated.  And by this, I mean our white middle class teenage boys.  These kids are taken hundreds of miles away from their homes in remote communities, dropped in Thunder Bay with few resources and sent to poorly resourced high schools with limited funding and lack of adult support.  This is a systemic problem that needs to be discussed and visible to the public.  I know my heart is breaking.  I felt such sadness for these kids.  

Friday, June 21, 2019

Escape Everything! continues to provoke 

I am still working my way through Robert Wrinham's book; Escape Everything!.  The book is having a tremendous impact on me and I am trying to figure out how I feel about the philosophy he espouses.  What I am learning is that he is against consumerism and the capitalist model.  He encourages minimalism, avoiding subscriptions that keep you on a monthly payment plan and to keep bureaucratic administration to a minimum.  Basically, anything that can hamper mobility is to be avoided.  I like the concept.

I am trying to figure out how to start moving toward a less structured life, one that is geared less towards consumerism and more about flow and being in the moment.  I want more time and less stuff. I have a lot of trouble with decadent consumerism.  My kids are moving quickly towards adulthood and I want to experience life as opposed to watching it on my couch via screens.  Wringham is a proponent of renting vs. owning, arguing that you can travel more easily and live in different countries if you are not tied down by property.  (He skips regularly between Canada and Scotland).  This where I get skeptical or perhaps where I am going to play devil's advocate for now.  I am always allowed to change my mind.

Wrigham has no children and he has never owned a home.  I, on the other hand, have been a home owner for 15 years and raised my children in the secure bosom of a cozy neighborhood.  I have also done well financially as a result. I have reaped the rewards of capitalism.  Another point I would like to make is that as a woman, financial independence is a priority.  It provides my children and I protection in a pretty unpredictable world. I think an economy of consumerism is morally objectionable.  I agree that capitalism feeds off the bottom to reward the top.  I certainly see the inequities in the system.  However, I am always suspicious of doctrines.  For example, the cult of minimalism has made a lot of people very rich at the expense of said bottom feeders. I love books and own hundreds of them.   They provide me with tremendous comfort and I do go back to them again and again.  I don't want to go to the library , it's impractical for my life. There are time limits on borrowing books.  I may not want to read that book within the prescribed 3 weeks.  As a voracious reader, I have always struggled with the inherent restrictions that libraries impose.  Minimalism is not going to make me happy.

Another thought that struck me was that working is not all bad.  Some people love what they do and are providing a necessary service to their community.  Doctors, nurses, police, teachers and academics.  Social Workers.  Occupational therapists.  These people are working with each and every one of us to provide support and necessary services.  They've worked incredibly hard to become professionals and contribute their skills to help other people.  I have tremendous respect for their self discipline and accomplishments.  I think that if I had thought things through a little more I would have loved social work.  Helping vulnerable people would have fulfilled me and it has nothing to do with money or rampant consumerism.  Work can provide social connections, a sense of belonging and provide people with a sense of achievement. I think we have to be careful painting society with one brush or simplifying complex social structures.

I don't want to spend my life in a cubicle.  However, I think there is value in setting down roots, having children and raising them in homes.  I think work can provide tremendous personal satisfaction and the economy defines a community.  What is important is to find the middle ground.  (Oh what a Canadian I am!) The middle ground protects the vulnerable.  Social constructs are necessary for people to coexist in societies.

Eventually, I will be able to be more adventurous and less tied down by external responsibilities. However, I can't, no I won't simplify economical theories to rationalize a fringe existence.  I think I will take a more measured approach and thoroughly educate myself. I will reflect on what works for me.  I do have some choices to make in the next few years and I am leaning towards less is more.  I truly believe happiness is about being in the moment, not trying to get to the next place.  Wrinham's book and blog are though provoking and offer sound advice.  I am always open to people who question the status quo.  Enough said.  I just ordered 3 new books so I will be busy dissecting.  My plan is to spend a good portion of this weekend reading.  Happy Friday!!!

Monday, June 17, 2019

We the North 

The Raptors won the NBA championship Thursday night and it was a historical Canadian moment.  The Raptors have been part of my family, in earnest, for roughly 5 years.  I am a single parent and prior to moving in with N my life revolved around my two kids.  My son, J, developed a love for sports over the years, highly influenced by his father who is a big Toronto Maple Leafs fan.  J struck out on his own, zeroing in on the Raptors.  My son is an introvert who love time at home to go at his own pace.  He took on my love of movies and series, as did my daughter.  As a family, we would binge watch anything from Breaking Bad to couple of movies on a Friday night.

As J got older his love for basketball intensified.  He would constantly coax me to join him in watching a game.  I've never been a loyal fan to any sport or team.  However, one day, I did end up joining him.  I lied on the couch and started watching a Raptors game.  My boy became my personal Raptors commentator.  He taught me everything about the game and even more about the players.  So it began and he got me hooked. Night after night I would lie on the couch and watch Raptors games with him.  I grew to love the team and started to feel a personal investment in their success.  Demar Derozan and Kyle Lowry became my favorites.  That was the year the Raptors beat Miami and Dwyane Wade was on fire. I also grew to fear Cleveland and Lebron.

J started playing in a local house league as well.  We would watch him play and ended up going to Cleveland for a tournament.  It was amazing watching him develop such a love and passion for the game.  He and his buddies would hit the local school ground and play basketball for hours.  Basketball became a part of our life.  My daughter resigned herself to the Raptors dominating the TV.  I would go through my day at work excited to get home and chill with my boy to watch the game.

Gradually my love for the game evolved to the point where I would watch even when J was at his dad's.  That is when I knew this was also becoming my passion.  N is also a big sports fan and therefore a Raptors fan.  When we started dating that is what we would do, hang out at either house and watch the game.  With or without kids.  If we happened to be apart during a game we would text throughout, noting good plays and cheering the guys on. 

This year we blended families.  The Raptors were the back drop to our lives.  As everyone adapted to a new living arrangement, the one thing that brought us together was watching the game.  It was fluid, it might be all of us, N , his two boys and two kids.  It might be N, his youngest son A and J.  It might be N, his son and I.  No matter what, there was always a group in the TV room cheering the Raptors on.  Some weekend nights friends would come over with their kids and we would all be cheering for the team.  During the finals the house was full.

It didn't stop at home.  I would come to work and talk about the game.  People learn about you over time and when you follow a sport it provides commonality.  Whether I was work or home, we would go through the ups and downs together.  Sports unites people. I remember when J told me were getting Leonard how excited he was, he told me this would give us a really good chance, that this trade was big mum. I fell in love with Leonard, his grace under pressure, his humbleness and his incredible athletic ability. As the playoffs progressed I was bowled over.  I knew the Raptors were good, I figured we'd beat Philadelphia.  I questioned if we could beat the Bucks.  I told N there was no way we would beat the Warriors.  Steph Curry is a legend in my home, my boy is in awe of him.  J stays up late into the night watching Warrior games. He loves the team, Durante, Thompson and Curry.  My boy is first and foremost a Raptors fan but he just loves the game of basketball and Curry is epic.  I didn't think we stood a chance.

So we watched and I had no expectations.  Toronto teams are always runner ups.  I was just happy we got as far as we did.  Winning Thursday took my breath away.  I was so proud of the team and so excited to be part of such a historical moment.  And it was a Canadian moment, 37 million Canadians roared and cheered that team to the championship.  It unified our little country and put us on the map.  I can't wait to find out if Leonard will stay with us, I think he will.  I can't wait for October, I get to chill with my boy and watch some games. 

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Treading Water 

It's game day.  I hope they win tonight.  That's all I am going to say.  Go Raptors go!!

I've been reading Robert Wringham's book; Escape Everything and I think it's fantastic.  He clearly points out the incredible contradictions inherent in the desk jockey's mundane life.  The circle of consumerism and debt. How we become trapped by the crap we buy and compromise ourselves by maintaining a tiny life and missing out on the bigger more fulfilling experiences.  I don't know if it's a good idea for me to read this book.  I will finish reading it because it's brilliant and completely spot on.  I just find it frustrates me to no end because I understand the concepts.  And yet I have to keep moving forward and play the game.

N and I are on the cusp of making some changes but it's still a long ways away.  I think the next five years are going to be a great opportunity for us to really figure out how we want to explore a different way of life. I'm thinking living out of a suitcase for a few years might be a good start.  I want to get off the grid.  I want to control my own accessibility.  Yesterday I watched a fantastic episode of Black Mirror with guest star Topher Grace.  It was an insightful episode on how social media impacts society and has essentially become more formidable and far reaching then
traditional institutions of power.  How the tech giants are like Gods walking around among mere mortals and have altered society in ways that will continue to impact us forever.  It was a draining episode and I felt dispirited and defeated at the end.  I almost felt like human life is no longer valued because everyone is a peon in a much bigger game controlled by a few exceptionally brilliant men.

So I am going to keep trucking along and fighting the good fight.  I still have some steam and I can still tread water. The great wild beyond is calling my name.  I want to climb mountains, est spicy food, here different languages around me and feel uncomfortable.  I want to see, feel and explore different lands and stay up all night watching the sun set and rise.  I want to leave this world of instant gratification and stultifying structure and forget what day or time it is..and I want to do it all with N by my side. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Why I don't like Neoliberalism  

That was a disappointing loss last night.  Fantastic game and to be honest I felt rotten for Durant.  He is a phenomenal athlete and I don't think he should have been out there.  I'm holding out for Thursday, I predict we win game 6 in Golden State's house.

I am struggling with a particular disinterest these days that touches on what I've been discussing in previous entries.  I am no longer driven by that which used to drive me before and I am frustrated by my own apathy.  I used to want so much.  Now I just want to stop.  I used to need so much more to be satisfied and now I need so little.  I am treading water, waiting for the right moment to make some changes.  I think it's because my perspective has shifted.  I no longer value the status quo.  I have read so much about capitalism and social inequality that I question the morality of corporations.

It's funny how your life changes when your perspective shifts. All of a sudden you hate shopping malls ( a huge gathering location for Canadians), Christmas seems like an assault to the senses and you wonder why you have 20 pairs of shoes. Name brands seem gaudy and you start to think Whole Foods is corrupt.  I am being a bit melodramatic but I genuinely want something different.  I am seeking authenticity in a very generic world where everything has a price tag.  The more you understand what drives the economy the harder it is to sustain the lifestyle that I want.  So what do I mean when I talk about the economy? Let's take a look at a market trend driven by neo conservatives.

Neolibieralism was a driving force in the economical shift that completely transformed the economy during the last 40 years.  Neoliberalism tends to favour  free market capitalism.  In other words, less government regulations.  Government, ostensibly, is meant to represent the citizen's interest which means it play a role in ensuring the economy is benefiting the citizens of the country.  Government regulation is how the Canadian economy is structured and as a result we have a very stable economy.  We are similar to Scandinavian countries. Under Prime Minister Stephen Harper, things got a little weird in Canada.  He wanted the citizen to be the consumer as would a corporation and supported corporate agendas at the expense of social welfare. This can erode democracy because the country is not a corporation.

I've read a lot and week by week, month by month I've learned how corporations have been eroding society.  There is a complete lack of ethics in the neoliberal model.  I struggle with this because I can't reconcile my values with the monopolization of the corporate agenda in the west. Knowledge is power and it will set you free.  The problem is freedom means you have to make choices.  And once you understand the problem you start wanting to be part of the solution.  So that means figuring out more ethical ways to live your life.  And they don't involve fancy cars, disposable products or mindless tv.  I try to stay informed and question everything.  So far so good.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  We just have to figure out how to get to the light. 

Thursday, June 6, 2019

How to feed the beast

The Raptors played beautifully last night.  I loved watching them, Leonard is like poetry in motion.  It helped that Durant and Thompson were not in the game.  It helped that Green kept landing 3 pointers.  It helped that Lowry did too.  Curry carried his team, scoring 47 points and breaking his own 3 -point field goal record in a play off game.  The Raptors still won.  I can't wait until Friday.

I spend a lot of time thinking about money.  Or at least what money can do for me.  I have always been driven by the accumulation of money.  It represented security to me.  It also represented a certain amount of control that I didn't feel I had in my youth.  The accumulation of money drove me to start working when I was 11 years old as a babysitter.  I've never stopped.  I worked at McDonald's, I worked in summer camps, I worked as a bilingual temp throughout university and I worked as a security guard.  Today I work for a big corporation.  I have spent years of my life in cubicles and  "open concept" office spaces.  Quite honestly, I think "open concept" is an example of the shaky foundation cubicle life is built upon.  From an early age I understood that work was a means to an end.  I knew intrinsically that I wasn't going to like having my time controlled therefore I needed to make as much money as I could so I could figure out how to stop working.

I've achieved a certain level of professional stability and I work in a niche industry.  I don't like the corporate world.  I find it sterile and sharp edged.  I think it steals from people and is essentially indentured servitude with a glossy finish.  I understand how it works.  I understand that capitalism is driven by greed and that work provides structure and provides people with a sense of security.  I comfortably navigate the paradoxical contradictions inherent in corporate culture and I've carved out a good place for myself.  I avoid being micro managed and I am trusted.  These are key goals that motivate one beyond the paycheck.  I always keep one eye open when I spend time in the corporate world.  It is merciless.  In order for me to keep the beast fed I have to keep coming up with new ways to stay one step ahead of it's bottomless appetite. ROI is it's favourite meal and it will stop at nothing to achieve it's goal.

I could have followed a different path.  I could have been a teacher or worked in the more ethically minded world of public service.  I don't know if I would have been happier.  I always had my eye on a goal that I thought would take me to freedom.  I was not interested in building a career, I was interested in how to avoid being trapped. I think I thought that security was connected to money.  And that's true, money does allow for more choices but there is a great deal of joy to be found in creating a career that intrinsically motivates you.  The concept of following a passion was lost on me because I didn't have enough passion about anything other than achieving a level of security for myself.  I could have been more focused on on the bigger picture.  Post graduate studies might have helped but that's hindsight.  Now, my focus is directed on how to walk away from the beast and be independent. Now I understand the system is rigged to benefit those at the top.  Now I understand social and economic equality is compromised by corporations.  Now is when I take all the years of work and education that I've invested to manipulate the system to my advantage.

As a Canadian I have an inherent respect for social equality.  We have a national health care system, a secure central Bank and a social network that provides welfare to those in need.  We pay high taxes to try and equally distribute wealth.  There are checks and balances in my country.  I take this way of life for granted.  I look at the US as a failed experiment.  I think it's a country of excesses and contradictions. It's exciting to have so much opportunity but like the market economy there is always the looming threat of hitting rock bottom.  Canada's social welfare system has more heart.  It recognizes that people are fragile and no person is an island.  It takes a village to succeed and Canada has persevered in providing quality of life for it's citizens.

So here's my inherent contradiction.  I am driven by dollars but I want something different for my kids.  I tell  my kids to do what makes them happy and the rest will fall in place.  I've worked hard to provide them with enough security and stability so that they know they are safe enough to follow their passion.  Failure is always an option for them. What I've learned is that it would be better to love as many moments of your life as you can because time is fleeting.  I don't love what I do but I love the life I've created.  Now I want my kids to love what they do too.

There is no rush to grow up, time is the gift I can give them.  I think this economy is not as easy to navigate for our youth.  I think social inequality is gradually creeping into Canada.  I see the difference between the haves and the have nots.  I think my kids will struggle in ways I never had to and I recognize the obstacles they will face.  I  no longer believe that money provides control.  I think the road ahead will be about connection and community.  Technology has completely altered the landscape.  There is opportunity for change and revolutionary thinking because of the shifts in the economy.  I did what I wanted to do with the opportunities that came my way.  The longer you live the more you understand the contradictions and moral inequalities we all face in a world that is unpredictable.  What I've also come to understand is the search for security will never make you happy. It's what you create along the way that ultimately provides you with security.  Those experiences can never be taken away. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

The case of the missing book

Since N and I blended households, there has been a lot of change.  For the most part it has been going relatively well.  Our home is male dominated and emotions can run high but they are contained.  We have lots of space which allows everyone breathing room.  Still, with new people there comes different habits.

I order a lot of books and my kids show next to no interest in my books.  I also read a lot of blogs.  I have been avidly reading New Escapologist archives. I stumbled on the blog roughly a month ago and can't stop reading entries.  I was so intrigued I ordered Robert Wringham's book Escape Everything from Amazon.  It was shipped from England.  It took weeks to arrive.  I was in the middle of reading another book when N handed it to me.  I delightedly opened the package, read the intro by Raptitudes's David Cain and promptly put it on the coffee table.

The other day I was reading and made note that Escape Everything was no longer on the coffee table.  I shrugged it off, I tend to misplace things all the time.  I went to work and started thinking, where is that book?  It's hard to miss, a black and white hardcover with a distinctive cover.  I texted N.  He couldn't find the book.  I texted my kids.  About a half hour later, N texted me that he had found the book downstairs on a coffee table in the tv room.  N's 24 year old step son had seen the book, it had caught his interest and he had wandered off with it to have a look.  I was relieved. For one thing we found my book and maybe someone else will read the book.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Joy in the moment

That was a disappointing loss last night for the Raptors.  Leonard was so good (and when is he not?) as was Vanvleet.  Lowry fouled  out, Gasol was off throughout the game and the rest of the team was less than stellar.  Let's see what happens Wednesday.  I don't like it when they play away from home.

Gradually, over the last decade I've been redefining what I value.  What I've been finding out is that as my sense of self and confidence grows my interest in external pleasures diminishes.  If anything, I now put far more emphasis on seeking out authentic people and experiences.  In essence, I want to find truth.  I started to read extensively about Buddhism and mindfulness.  I spent my twenties and my thirties focused on raising my kids and running a home.  My kids fascinated me, I was completely besotted with them.  Being a mom was all I cared about for a long time and I was completely distracted for a solid 12 years.

Then life changes or you change.  I was still madly in love with the kids but I started to think more about what I would do next.  I knew their childhood was finite and I was very young.  I was reading John Kabat-Zinn, Pema Chodron and the Dalai Lama just to name a few.  I was asking myself a lot of hard questions.  How did I get here?  What will make me happy?  I was struggling with insomnia and not feeling tethered. I was wondering, is this all there is?  I was questioning the limitations of the corporate world, the insular claustrophobia of my neighborhood and my world was starting to feel too small.  I kept thinking something had to give.

What I was really struggling with, was the suspicion that life was about more than being comfortable.  That my external comforts were masking what could lead to true contentment.  A new couch is wonderful for a week.  A renovation helped with my general quality of life.  A new outfit was a temporary distraction.  However, none of it brought me lasting satisfaction.  I kept plugging away, continuing to read and of course soldier through my day to day.  Work, make dinner, watch tv with the kids, clean and do laundry.  Day by day, I couldn't stop because things had to get done.  The kids needs always pushed me forward.  And then it hit me. This was my life.  The routine and sameness was the beauty.  This was where I drew my strength from, the sameness of each moment.  Not the stuff around me, not the salary deposited in my account, not the house we lived in or the car I drove.  It was the moment that held me steady.  Watching my children grow. Working with the sameness of each moment and finding the joy in the mundane.

Bit by bit I was able to work my head around accepting my own mortality and insignificance in the grand scheme.  My ego had been holding me captive my entire life.  What I began to understand is that I was just a small cog in a much bigger wheel.  I am not in control.  I can only control what is available for me to control.  There is tremendous freedom in this mindset.  What I am gradually figuring out is that joy comes from acceptance and connection to other people.  Not external gratification.  Joy comes from accepting pain and knowing that change is the constant.

At times in my life, when I have struggled and felt incredibly alone, I have always had the ability to understand that this is how I feel now and the feeling will shift. As I age that has become my comfort.  I know change is always going to be there, whether it be good or bad.  My goal is adapting to the discomfort of change and finding joy in where the change leads me.  And of course, time is the great equalizer. No matter what happens, time will ease whatever happened in the past. Whatever you need is already there, inside you.  You just have to do the hard work figuring out who you happen to be.