A trip to Texas and a glimpse at the fading American dream 

Last week I was in Texas, initially I had mixed reactions to the lone star state.  I have a keen interest in American history with a particular passion for the south.  I studied American history in university and that interest has deepened over the years.  I think it might be more of a fascination.  Prior to my trip I had heard nothing but good things about Texas. I've traveled a fair bit throughout the US and have a very good understanding of our neighbor to the south.  Texas has provided me even more insights into this complicated country.

N and I began our trip in Austin where we spent 3 days.  We went to the LBJ Presidential library (fantastic), the Texas State Legislature and caught some live music.  We drove to San Antonio and on the way stopped to hike in Guadalupe river state park.  We hit the Alamo and the river walk in San Antonio. Then we ended up in Houston, a sprawling city connected by the most intricate freeway system I've ever seen. People drive madly in that city.  We witnessed drag racing at 7 PM and observed a motorcycle burst into flames.  We stayed at the fabulous hotel, Zsa Zsa's in the museum district.  I was able to catch up on some reading and indulge in some very fine red wine. We had so much fun and completely decompressed.  We quickly adjusted to the extraordinary heat.  It's like a brick wall when you walk out of any air conditioned building.  Think desert heat with humidity.

Texas felt like a microcosm of American society.  That's what has ultimately struck me since I've come home.  I was shocked at the chronic obesity, patches of poverty and the clear levels of income inequality as we made our way across the state.  However, I was also blown away by the hospitality we enjoyed.  The knowledge and creativity displayed at the restaurants we attended was inspiring and I'm not a foodie.  From Tex Mex to cured steak to flavorful salads, we were active participants in our dining experience. Waiters carefully explained which fresh ingredients were used to prepare our meals, suggest the right wine to have and work through the menu to ensure you got the best options.  There was incredible decadence contrasted by struggling, working class people.

Let me give you an example.  On our drive from San Antonio to Houston, roughly a 3.5 hour journey, we thought it would be fun to stop at a local BBQ roadhouse.  The roadhouse was right on the edge of a small, working class town.  The population was roughly 2,200 people.  We wanted to get a glimpse of how every day Texans live.  The restaurant had great curb appeal and we thought we'd found a little gem.  It felt homey and welcoming.  There were lots of cars in the parking lot which is always a good sign.  It was a large, sprawling building with large rooms going to the back of the property.  We were seated in the room right next to the salad bar.  Salad bars are very big in Texas.

It was mid-afternoon on a Wednesday.  I went to the washroom and my appetite was gone by the time I got back to our table. Admittedly my expression of distaste did not help the situation and N was already trying to figure out how to make this dining experience move quickly. He knew I was struggling. The staff were unkempt and clearly overworked.  The salad bar was filled with fried food, fatty gravies and over cooked vegetables.  Directly in front of me sat a large man with a plate filled with fried chicken and fixings.  He methodically worked his way through his food and immediately went back for seconds at the salad bar.  Seated behind me was a rough looking, middle aged fellow chowing down on a plate of meat.  Families were dining on huge quantities of food and everyone seemed overweight.  The place oozed grease and grime.  The rooms were dilapidated and in need of updating.  I ordered a burger and barely got through half the sandwich.  The bread on N's BLT was smothered with butter and the checkered wax paper holding the sandwich was soaked through with grease.  We lasted about 30 minutes.  It was truly a glimpse of a segment of society where opportunity may be limited.

Shortly before this dining experience, N and I stayed at the Fairmont in Austin which boasts one of the hippest roof top bars in the city.  We sauntered up on our first day to the pool and it was like a single's bar for middle aged wealthy Texans. The place was hopping!  It was mid afternoon on a Friday.  Bikini clad beauties were sunning while leering suitors chatted them up over mixed drinks and champagne.  It was like two different worlds within 300 miles of each other.

I recently read an article in the Atlantic magazine about income inequality; The Economist who would fix the American Dream.  As I was reading the article I had a flashback to my experience in Texas.  The contrast between the haves and the have nots is nothing new.  However, I was struck by it with such fierce intensity on this trip.  I was shocked by my own reactions because clearly I felt more at home at the Fairmont rooftop bar than I ever would at the roadhouse restaurant.   That may be perceived as elitist but it's merely a reflection of my upbringing and where I feel comfortable.  And quite frankly I fall somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.  I observed such distinctly different worlds where clearly opportunities for people are very different.  It was an incredibly powerful experience and solidified my perspective on how income inequality is fragmenting the United States.

Crazy how a movie can change you in a moment 

A couple nights ago I watched the movie Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot starring Jonah Hill and Joaquin Phoenix.  The movie was inspiring and had an impact on me.  I watch a fair amount of movies and I enjoy them for the most part.  Rarely am I this transformed. The movie is based on the true story of cartoonist John Callahan.  A severe alcoholic, he was in a horrific accident that left him a quadriplegic.  A true tragedy but out of the ashes he rose a phoenix.  He continues to drink but eventually turns to Alcoholics Anonymous and manages to be sponsored by Donnie Green.  Green is a wealthy gay alcoholic who helps Callahan confront his demons.  Hill is unrecognizable having lost weight for the role.  It's also a departure from his regular characters and he is riveting.

What struck me with such intensity is how Green supports Callahan in working thorough the steps of AA.  Callahan is an angry fellow and a horrible drunk.  His lack of self-awareness propels him further and further into unhappiness.  Bit by bit, with the support of Green and his "piglets" (other members of the group) he starts to face the reality of his situation and accept the pain that compels him to drink.  He begins to create comics and starts to get published for his work.  There is one scene in particular that pretty well changed my life.  They are sitting in group, working through their pain and Green says to Callahan something to the effect of; you need to look outside yourself and find something bigger than you.  Clearly he means God.  However, this is more profound then just giving in to a higher power.  I understood that in order to get past your own pain you need to see what other people are going through so you won't feel so alone.  That may mean accepting God but I think it means to look outside of your own mind.  To stop being trapped by your own demons. 

I pondered on the philosophy of Buddhism.  You need to get out of your own mind and accept that your thoughts are like clouds. They are constantly changing and floating away.  Your inner dialogue is transient and we have to fight against being trapped in our own minds.  If we accept that we are part of everything then we can stop letting our egos hold us back from connection with other people.  I am still thinking about this movie and will watch it again.  I love being able to connect to an idea that is bigger than me.  That reminds me that I am insignificant.  That means I am growing.  Director Gus Van Sant changed my life last Tuesday.  What were you doing that night? 

Pragmatically dreaming about tomorrow 

N and I have a plan.  I like plans.  In a world that is constantly changing, plans make me feel like I have a modicum of control.  We bought our house about 6 months ago and we are pleased.  It's big, with lots of sunlight and a deck that runs along the back of the family room.  We renovated our en suite to our specific tastes and we put in custom book shelves for me.  There is lots of room for personal space and yet it's cozy and warm. In the winter you can see from the living room, straight through to the dinning room window and observe the snow shimmer on the trees and it feels like you're in a forest. However, our house will be impractical at a certain point and it won't sustain our dream to travel extensively.  Big houses mean lots of overhead, maintenance and ultimately wasted space.

We are going to buy an income property.  I say this with the utmost certainty but we all know life is long and change is the constant.  This is our current plan.  We look at them all the time online. We're not ready to start touring homes but that will be the next step.  This is still a ways down the road but I scout them out online and we go through them, developing a feel for what we think will work.  We want a three unit home, closer to downtown Toronto. I like having access to coffee shops, restaurants, transit and stores.  We would like to only have one car. Should we decide to leave for portions of the year we will lease our unit.  We are both detail oriented and patient people.  We will flesh out our plan and gradually figure out how to make it perfect for us.  Half the fun is in the planning.

If you've been reading my blog up to this point you know I am somewhat disenchanted with the grind.  I don't mind my day to day for the most part but I often feel restless and dissatisfied.  My bucket list includes extensive traveling and N is on board.  Since we hooked up we've traveled a fair bit.  We've been to Cuba twice, Boston, New Orleans, BC and Jamaica.  We have a couple trips coming down the pipe including our wedding in the DR and we've been researching Thailand/Cambodia for our honeymoon.  Clearly we both have an interest in traveling, it's almost an addiction.  I am well aware of how precarious this life is and I don't want to miss one minute.  I think we both figured out that we are bohemians at heart.  We loved having children but it's the love for our children that keeps us on the straight and narrow.  Not the love of conventionality.

N and I struggle with this decision a lot.  We both made choices in our lives that have been incredibly astute and allowed us options.  They weren't always easy choices and involved a lot of personal sacrifice but as I mentioned we are both patient people. Patience allows for persistence, which is half the battle to success.  A part of us would love to sell our present home and just invest the money with the intent of being true gypsies. The more I read and the longer I live the more I understand that possessions tend to own us, not the other way around.  I think there is far more value in experiences than things and we are carefully considering every aspect of our plan. We both love Toronto because it's home and we have cultivated roots here.  We want to to explore the big world but we also want to maintain our ties to our community and children.  As much as I love an adventure, I love my children a lot more. I don't plan to visit my grandchildren (should I be fortunate to have any) once a year.  Toronto will always be home.

If any one has any advice or tips on how to manage an income property please feel free to leave a comment.  As I mentioned, this is a long term plan.  I am always up for an adventure but I prefer calculated risks.  For now we are very happy in our big, cozy house.  We're managing to have some adventures while I keep plugging away at the 9-5.  Then I come home and we sit on our deck, watch the trees shimmer as the sun sets and dream about tomorrow. 

Leonard's gone and I am bitter 

I had a fantastic weekend.  N and I were on our own (meaning no kids) and we were able to do some cooking that didn't have to cater to the erratic taste buds of teens.  One won't eat red meat, a couple aren't keen on seafood and we may dine a bit later when unfettered by younger and hungrier growing bodies. We hit the St. Lawrence market and got fresh seafood, we made a stir fry with all kinds of fresh veggies and shrimp.  Last night we ended up at a friend's house where he deep fried halibut in cornflakes. It was a hazy, lazy summer weekend.

Saturday morning I woke up to the disappointing news that Kawhi Leonard is gone.  It hit me with such a jolt and I was so upset.  I guess the right thing for me to say is I am grateful he got us the ring and we were lucky to have him for a year.  That's what my son would say or has said...and it's the right thing to say.  But he is a much nicer person than me.  This tremendously talented athlete brought our team to the championship and it was such an exciting season.  However, this is what I really feel;  I was very upset and angry. He could have given  us one more year.  We would have lavished him with adoration and love.  One more year would have allowed us to build the team up, attract some more talent and hold us in good stead.

I am bitter about his decision.  I won't watch Clipper games for a long time.  I will view Leonard differently now and I won't enjoy watching him anymore.  It's like my hero let me down. I am sure this is not the party line but I take life personally.  I thought he was wonderful and I fell in love with him.  I fully understand that Leonard needs to do what's best for Leonard and yes the Clippers got him Paul George. I just hate the fact that the Raptors had their glory days this early in the run.  It drives me crazy that the US will be smugly satisfied this season.  Who knows, maybe another superstar will come our way and brave the north.  Until then, I am so relieved I got the Lowry shirt.  Come October I will wear it with pride.

I happened to be catching up on the Saturday globe this weekend and caught this superbly insightful article on the Raptors.  Check it out, from the perspective of a Warrior's fan.  Eventually my heart will mend and I will be able to be a little bit more objective but I will miss him.  Go raptors go!!

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/article-joy-pain-and-basketball-i-love-the-warriors-but-my-country-loves/

What is a life that is well lived? 

This is a question that dominates my subconscious.  Every choice I make is carefully thought through to ensure that I create a life founded in truth and authenticity.  I think this has always been my motivator.  I am determined to wring as many meaningful experiences from this life as I can. I refuse to accept anything less. It took me decades to want this for myself. If a person, a situation or an experience seems the least bit disingenuous or rings hollow I immediately disengage.  This is why I read so much.  This is why I travel as much as possible.  This is why I had children.  This is what drew me to N.

I truly believe my path began with reading.  I am only an only child and my father was working on his masters in history when I was a preschooler. He encouraged me to find comfort in reading and our home was filled with books.  I took to reading like a duck to water.  I read voraciously and still do to this day.  Reading opened up my mind and helped me to tap in to empathy.  Reading allowed me to escape anxiety when I had to deal with change.  Reading calmed my mind and introduced me to other people's realities.  Reading also taught me that I was normal.  That nothing I thought was wrong or quite frankly that different than anyone else.  When I open a book I can go anywhere I want.  There is such freedom in that choice.  Reading also introduced me to the nature of travel as an alternative to the grind.  Reading has always been integral to what I believe is a life well lived.  Part of my journey is trying to understand and connect with other people.  Books are a means of connection.

Travel has always been an interest. I have a keen curiosity to explore but for years my interest in traveling was dulled by having children and accumulating.  Accumulating a house, stuff and more stuff.  When my ex-husband and I separated I suddenly felt like the world was my oyster.  For the first time in my life I had no obligation to anyone but my kids.  However, I knew my kids would leave someday.  I started reading travel literature.  Paul Theroux has always been a particularly powerful influence.  He travels with an eye to delving into the culture, not taking from it or imposing upon it, he seeks the authenticity in the moment. I was fascinated with his perspective on India, Russia, China and Africa.  In rapid succession I read the following books;

• Ghost Train to the Eastern Star
• Riding the Iron Rooster
• The Great Railway Bazaar
• Dark Star
• Deep South

I was hooked.  I knew I wanted to see a lot more of this world and to see it through as close a lens of reality as possible.  I quickly understood how limited and insular my world up to that point had been.  I knew that in order to live the life I wanted I had to figure out a way to see a lot more of this world.  I shouldn't say a good life, that sounds patronizing.  I mean a life that allows for a deeper thrust. I know so little and I am so curious as to what else is out there.  Every opportunity I can, I will travel.  There is such freedom in leaving everything you know behind.  I think traveling helps you understand that ultimately we are all the same.  We want to fall in love, support our families and connect with each other. 

Part of my journey to get here was having kids.  That certainly helped me understand how much alike we all are, we all want the best for our children.  My children have humbled me and taught me the true meaning of love and devotion.  It's pretty textbook,  I was incredibly self involved as a youth.  I drifted in my twenties with no sense of direction or external motivation beyond the need for my ego to be stroked and a sort of half baked drive to make money.  When my kids were born my focus sharpened and it was because I had to take care of them and they needed me.  That was such a life changer for me.  I grew up and learnt about myself.  If a baby was sick I was up in the night, if a child needed to be somewhere I was taking them and when my marriage ended I was determined to provide the same standard of life for them at whatever cost. So here I am still plodding along in the grind taking care of my children.

I am so grateful for my children.  They taught me the meaning of passion, dedication and discipline.  They taught me to dig deep inside myself and ask hard questions.  When you love something more than yourself you learn who you really are and kids are part of a life well lived.  Through my children I met N.  He was part of the fabric of my everyday life in the trenches of raising kids.  When he lost his wife we gravitated towards each other and discovered we had very similar goals and interests. We both agreed on what a life well lived looked like for the two of us.  Love is part of a life well lived.  I am figuring out day by day.  What I have come to understand is that if you are relentless in your search for truth and authenticity you will find joy.  It's like everything, it takes hard work and discipline to be happy.  You have to love yourself and trust your instincts.  Most of all I think you have to be open to other people because it's that connection that creates the joy. 

A weekend away in New York 

Last weekend I went to New York with my kids.  It'd been 14 years since I'd last been to the city.  So the difference between 30 years old and 44 years old, a life time. We stayed in the financial district, right next to ground zero.  It was hot, frenetic and crowed with people.  However, that city never fails to disappoint.  We hit the Highline immediately which was just phenomenal.  A 2.33 km walk along the city's old meat packing district.  Now surrounded by hip condos you walk along a garden dotted with art.  New Yorkers are out en mass, reading on benches, sitting in the outdoor pub or perusing the art.

We hit Soho for dinner.  An outdoor patio that allowed for people watching.  The next day we hit the ground hard, from Time Square, to the Met, to Toy Story 4 back through Central park and a quick take out dinner at Whole Foods,  we walked roughly 20 km.  Sunday was a little more carefully paced with a long visit at the museum of the city of New York. It's an interactive museum, focusing on the city's storied and iconic struggle with labor.  It was incredibly informative and the kids were happy.  Back to the hotel for a quick rest and out to Little Italy for dinner.  One of my requests was a trip to the Strand bookstore.  A bookstore that just keeps going and going, roughly 18 miles of books. The trip was topped off with a quick stop at Glossier.  ( A very cool make up store with only two locations world wide).  We had to line up but it was worth the wait, my daughter's face was glowing with happiness.  And then we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge.

It was a whirlwind of a trip but it was fun.  Every night we were back at our hotel to watch Friends, which felt appropriate given our location.  We had no itinerary, just followed our bliss.  We had ideas and interests but for the most part we kept plans flexible.  We relied on the subway to get around and walked a lot.  We took a cab once.  The city is incredibly vibrant and has a pulse.  I've been going since I was 15 years old an quite frankly I can't wait to go back again.  All we brought was a knapsack each which allowed for lots of flexibility and discouraged shopping.  I always think to myself after one of these weekends away, what else could I have been doing? And that's sort of the point right?  We were out exploring.  This is what we will remember.  Not the day to day grind but our trip to New York.