Joy in the moment
That was a disappointing loss last night for the Raptors. Leonard was so good (and when is he not?) as was Vanvleet. Lowry fouled out, Gasol was off throughout the game and the rest of the team was less than stellar. Let's see what happens Wednesday. I don't like it when they play away from home.
Gradually, over the last decade I've been redefining what I value. What I've been finding out is that as my sense of self and confidence grows my interest in external pleasures diminishes. If anything, I now put far more emphasis on seeking out authentic people and experiences. In essence, I want to find truth. I started to read extensively about Buddhism and mindfulness. I spent my twenties and my thirties focused on raising my kids and running a home. My kids fascinated me, I was completely besotted with them. Being a mom was all I cared about for a long time and I was completely distracted for a solid 12 years.
Then life changes or you change. I was still madly in love with the kids but I started to think more about what I would do next. I knew their childhood was finite and I was very young. I was reading John Kabat-Zinn, Pema Chodron and the Dalai Lama just to name a few. I was asking myself a lot of hard questions. How did I get here? What will make me happy? I was struggling with insomnia and not feeling tethered. I was wondering, is this all there is? I was questioning the limitations of the corporate world, the insular claustrophobia of my neighborhood and my world was starting to feel too small. I kept thinking something had to give.
What I was really struggling with, was the suspicion that life was about more than being comfortable. That my external comforts were masking what could lead to true contentment. A new couch is wonderful for a week. A renovation helped with my general quality of life. A new outfit was a temporary distraction. However, none of it brought me lasting satisfaction. I kept plugging away, continuing to read and of course soldier through my day to day. Work, make dinner, watch tv with the kids, clean and do laundry. Day by day, I couldn't stop because things had to get done. The kids needs always pushed me forward. And then it hit me. This was my life. The routine and sameness was the beauty. This was where I drew my strength from, the sameness of each moment. Not the stuff around me, not the salary deposited in my account, not the house we lived in or the car I drove. It was the moment that held me steady. Watching my children grow. Working with the sameness of each moment and finding the joy in the mundane.
Bit by bit I was able to work my head around accepting my own mortality and insignificance in the grand scheme. My ego had been holding me captive my entire life. What I began to understand is that I was just a small cog in a much bigger wheel. I am not in control. I can only control what is available for me to control. There is tremendous freedom in this mindset. What I am gradually figuring out is that joy comes from acceptance and connection to other people. Not external gratification. Joy comes from accepting pain and knowing that change is the constant.
At times in my life, when I have struggled and felt incredibly alone, I have always had the ability to understand that this is how I feel now and the feeling will shift. As I age that has become my comfort. I know change is always going to be there, whether it be good or bad. My goal is adapting to the discomfort of change and finding joy in where the change leads me. And of course, time is the great equalizer. No matter what happens, time will ease whatever happened in the past. Whatever you need is already there, inside you. You just have to do the hard work figuring out who you happen to be.
That was a disappointing loss last night for the Raptors. Leonard was so good (and when is he not?) as was Vanvleet. Lowry fouled out, Gasol was off throughout the game and the rest of the team was less than stellar. Let's see what happens Wednesday. I don't like it when they play away from home.
Gradually, over the last decade I've been redefining what I value. What I've been finding out is that as my sense of self and confidence grows my interest in external pleasures diminishes. If anything, I now put far more emphasis on seeking out authentic people and experiences. In essence, I want to find truth. I started to read extensively about Buddhism and mindfulness. I spent my twenties and my thirties focused on raising my kids and running a home. My kids fascinated me, I was completely besotted with them. Being a mom was all I cared about for a long time and I was completely distracted for a solid 12 years.
Then life changes or you change. I was still madly in love with the kids but I started to think more about what I would do next. I knew their childhood was finite and I was very young. I was reading John Kabat-Zinn, Pema Chodron and the Dalai Lama just to name a few. I was asking myself a lot of hard questions. How did I get here? What will make me happy? I was struggling with insomnia and not feeling tethered. I was wondering, is this all there is? I was questioning the limitations of the corporate world, the insular claustrophobia of my neighborhood and my world was starting to feel too small. I kept thinking something had to give.
What I was really struggling with, was the suspicion that life was about more than being comfortable. That my external comforts were masking what could lead to true contentment. A new couch is wonderful for a week. A renovation helped with my general quality of life. A new outfit was a temporary distraction. However, none of it brought me lasting satisfaction. I kept plugging away, continuing to read and of course soldier through my day to day. Work, make dinner, watch tv with the kids, clean and do laundry. Day by day, I couldn't stop because things had to get done. The kids needs always pushed me forward. And then it hit me. This was my life. The routine and sameness was the beauty. This was where I drew my strength from, the sameness of each moment. Not the stuff around me, not the salary deposited in my account, not the house we lived in or the car I drove. It was the moment that held me steady. Watching my children grow. Working with the sameness of each moment and finding the joy in the mundane.
Bit by bit I was able to work my head around accepting my own mortality and insignificance in the grand scheme. My ego had been holding me captive my entire life. What I began to understand is that I was just a small cog in a much bigger wheel. I am not in control. I can only control what is available for me to control. There is tremendous freedom in this mindset. What I am gradually figuring out is that joy comes from acceptance and connection to other people. Not external gratification. Joy comes from accepting pain and knowing that change is the constant.
At times in my life, when I have struggled and felt incredibly alone, I have always had the ability to understand that this is how I feel now and the feeling will shift. As I age that has become my comfort. I know change is always going to be there, whether it be good or bad. My goal is adapting to the discomfort of change and finding joy in where the change leads me. And of course, time is the great equalizer. No matter what happens, time will ease whatever happened in the past. Whatever you need is already there, inside you. You just have to do the hard work figuring out who you happen to be.
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