Desk Jockey
That was a fantastic game last night. The Raptors dominated the game. Leonard was his usual brilliant self, Powell was on fire and Gasol played a strong game, landing the most assists. Ibaka held his own and Lowry, well Lowry is my favorite. It was nice and steady. I'm not holding my breath for Thursday but I'm optimistic.
I struggle with obligation and commitment. I will provide you an example A friend texts me mid-week to hang out on the weekend. The typical text would be; What are you up to this weekend? I immediately go in to panic mode. How will I fit in everything I want to do; my reading, the Saturday Globe and Mail and the lazy expectation of an empty day? Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends. What I struggle with is committing to a time and day. How do I know how I will feel in that moment? What if I am on the last chapter of my book and I need another hour? What if N and I are in the middle of a good talk? My flow will be interrupted and the day will be disjointed. Text me right now, I will most likely say yes because that is in the moment. I don't like to feel restricted. Work does enough of that for me.
Five days a week I have no options. I wake up at 6:25 AM and I come home later in the afternoon. I follow a very carefully structured day problem solving. My mind is on loan for 8 hours a day. There is no flexibility in this arrangement. In the last eight years I've had ten days off in a row, I couldn't even manage a full two weeks. Therefore, I am possessive of my free time. I am particular about how I spend every moment. I don't covet things, I want time. Time allows for the accumulation of experiences. And experiences are what define a life. That is what nine to five steals from us. Time. We exchange the precious commodity of time for a warped sense of "security". We buy into the program well before we understand the consequences. Mortgages, school districts and what other people think of you. Always, we compare ourselves to other people. The ever present voice in our heads, pushing us forward. The drive to accomplish, be productive and achieve. The void that can't be filled by what we are led to believe is happiness.
I was not naive in my youth. I knew it was the path of least resistance and I understood there were alternative ways to live. I was always a voracious reader and a keen observer. However, I also had no interest in going without and I knew money equaled freedom. I am persistent by nature and comfortable with biding my time. Throughout the fog of youthful angst I always maintained a practical streak. I recognized early on that suffering was the only way to achieve success. I looked at all the life choices around me and made decisions about how I could carve out my path if I was patient and diligent. I made some mistakes in hindsight. However, I also made some good choices.
The question I keep asking myself over and over again is; What is a life? We are born, we live and we die. What is the meaning of our significance while we are here? From what I've observed, I don't think anyone really cares what you do. They aren't terribly interested in what you have or accomplish. This is all bigger then you. Your world is small. So you need to make it count and you need to figure out what this all means to you. I am happiest when I travel. I love the freedom, the anonymity and the discomfort of the unknown. That is the dragon I am chasing. I can't wait to experience other cultures, eat different food and meet different people. I want to understand more so I can try and understand what makes us all so different yet so much alike. My intention is to eventually live in different countries. Not visit as a tourist for a couple of weeks but live within the community and explore.
In the meantime I will remain a peon. An institutionalized desk jockey. To be honest, it could be worse. I don't mind my job. There are good things about working and days when this is more then enough. Days where I think, maybe this is as good as it gets. Then, my mind starts to wander. I hear the surf crashing against the shore, I smell the salty air and I dream a little. I manage to refocus my mind and convince myself I can have it all, just not all at the same time. The beauty of getting older is being able to take stock of how you got here and why you want to get over there. I'm midway through the writing of my book. This is part two. I think when all is said and done, the key to a good life is living authentically. If you are making choices that reflect your values then you are living a deliberate life
That was a fantastic game last night. The Raptors dominated the game. Leonard was his usual brilliant self, Powell was on fire and Gasol played a strong game, landing the most assists. Ibaka held his own and Lowry, well Lowry is my favorite. It was nice and steady. I'm not holding my breath for Thursday but I'm optimistic.
I struggle with obligation and commitment. I will provide you an example A friend texts me mid-week to hang out on the weekend. The typical text would be; What are you up to this weekend? I immediately go in to panic mode. How will I fit in everything I want to do; my reading, the Saturday Globe and Mail and the lazy expectation of an empty day? Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends. What I struggle with is committing to a time and day. How do I know how I will feel in that moment? What if I am on the last chapter of my book and I need another hour? What if N and I are in the middle of a good talk? My flow will be interrupted and the day will be disjointed. Text me right now, I will most likely say yes because that is in the moment. I don't like to feel restricted. Work does enough of that for me.
Five days a week I have no options. I wake up at 6:25 AM and I come home later in the afternoon. I follow a very carefully structured day problem solving. My mind is on loan for 8 hours a day. There is no flexibility in this arrangement. In the last eight years I've had ten days off in a row, I couldn't even manage a full two weeks. Therefore, I am possessive of my free time. I am particular about how I spend every moment. I don't covet things, I want time. Time allows for the accumulation of experiences. And experiences are what define a life. That is what nine to five steals from us. Time. We exchange the precious commodity of time for a warped sense of "security". We buy into the program well before we understand the consequences. Mortgages, school districts and what other people think of you. Always, we compare ourselves to other people. The ever present voice in our heads, pushing us forward. The drive to accomplish, be productive and achieve. The void that can't be filled by what we are led to believe is happiness.
I was not naive in my youth. I knew it was the path of least resistance and I understood there were alternative ways to live. I was always a voracious reader and a keen observer. However, I also had no interest in going without and I knew money equaled freedom. I am persistent by nature and comfortable with biding my time. Throughout the fog of youthful angst I always maintained a practical streak. I recognized early on that suffering was the only way to achieve success. I looked at all the life choices around me and made decisions about how I could carve out my path if I was patient and diligent. I made some mistakes in hindsight. However, I also made some good choices.
The question I keep asking myself over and over again is; What is a life? We are born, we live and we die. What is the meaning of our significance while we are here? From what I've observed, I don't think anyone really cares what you do. They aren't terribly interested in what you have or accomplish. This is all bigger then you. Your world is small. So you need to make it count and you need to figure out what this all means to you. I am happiest when I travel. I love the freedom, the anonymity and the discomfort of the unknown. That is the dragon I am chasing. I can't wait to experience other cultures, eat different food and meet different people. I want to understand more so I can try and understand what makes us all so different yet so much alike. My intention is to eventually live in different countries. Not visit as a tourist for a couple of weeks but live within the community and explore.
In the meantime I will remain a peon. An institutionalized desk jockey. To be honest, it could be worse. I don't mind my job. There are good things about working and days when this is more then enough. Days where I think, maybe this is as good as it gets. Then, my mind starts to wander. I hear the surf crashing against the shore, I smell the salty air and I dream a little. I manage to refocus my mind and convince myself I can have it all, just not all at the same time. The beauty of getting older is being able to take stock of how you got here and why you want to get over there. I'm midway through the writing of my book. This is part two. I think when all is said and done, the key to a good life is living authentically. If you are making choices that reflect your values then you are living a deliberate life
No comments:
Post a Comment