Vulnerability and strength
I went out for dinner with a friend last night. One of those friends who you don't see for a few years and then you reconnect and it's like time never stopped. We met through our daughters at a mommy and me playgroup when the girls were toddlers and we just clicked. S stayed home for a bit and had two babies within 19 months of each other. I instantly admired her ambition and fierce sense of self. I find we tend to admire characteristics of the people we want to be around. Or maybe they have characteristics we want to sharpen. Nothing fazed her. She could pop out babies (she has three now), bake cupcakes. manage a renovation, throw a party and go back to work on 5 hours of sleep. I, on the other hand have a hard time doing two things at once and usually it's because I'm curled up on the couch immersed in a book. The other reason I admired and respected her so much was because she was an unapologetic feminist. Not only did she talk the talk but she walked the walk. She was a full person regardless of being a woman. S was defined by her own choices and experiences. Not by her marriage, her children, her friends or her past but by the self she wanted to be.
As time passes, I find myself attracted to fiercely strong, capable and self possessed women. I detect insecurity and self hate like a bloodhound. I don't want to be around people who lack substance. I am attracted to women who juggle full lives and expect the men in their lives to jump in with just as much gusto. I want nothing to do with women who take a back seat. I didn't have a lot of support when I was a stay at home mom with two children under the age of two. I was financially dependent and incredibly lonely. I always felt like a single parent well before I became one. I had no family in Toronto and I am an only child. I did have a fantastic group of loyal and supportive friends. They rallied around the children and I. They became my family. I had to shed the image of the dependent woman quickly and grow up. There were two kids who needed me to take care of them.
I remember flying to BC with a one year old and a three year on my own. I was 30 years old and was going to visit my mum. It was a long flight there and a long flight back, I promised myself I would never be in that position again, alone and struggling. I kept thinking about all my friends back home who had husbands that would want to be with them on that plane. I figured this was temporary and some day I would find that person. To my credit, I have been vulnerable many times since, but I surrounded myself with people who did not take advantage of my need for support. Instead, they propped me up and reminded me that I deserved kindness. I began to understand that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my children while giving back to my friends. That strength comes from trusting others, relying on others and being vulnerable. It also comes from learning to trust yourself. It took me a long time to figure that out. It took me a long time to understand that before I could become independent I had to be comfortable with reliance on other people. Not because I was a woman but because I just needed support.
Last night I didn't just meet my friend. N and I met my friend and her husband of 17 years, D. They have always been best friends. S made sure she found him to help her fly. As I sat with my old friends over a glass of wine and caught up with them, I felt so grateful. Grateful to be with people I trust and love. Grateful to have female friends who demand the best for themselves, their spouse and their children. They say you attract what you are and character is destiny. I am going to do everything I can to stay on this path. I don't ever want my daughter to feel as scared and alone as I did with two little kids. I don't think she will, she has a mom who is okay with asking for help. M was brought up in a village. She will be one those fiercely strong woman who demands that her partner jump in and support her unconditionally.
My friend's company reminded me to how important it is for women to keep plodding along. Complacency is so easy at a certain point. Life is overwhelming when you are in the midst of the hurricane. There are so many obligations and demands on your time. S reminded me that no matter what, you need to take care of yourself. There is no recipe or instruction manual. It's whatever you need to do to keep your head above water. As we were chatting she reminded me she is a big supporter of girl power. I smiled in agreement thinking about our girls. We know what they will have to face. We know we have to be the example that they can rely on when they question themselves. It just felt good last night. A moment in time without anything in the middle except friendship. All I felt was admiration and respect. It was a good night.
I went out for dinner with a friend last night. One of those friends who you don't see for a few years and then you reconnect and it's like time never stopped. We met through our daughters at a mommy and me playgroup when the girls were toddlers and we just clicked. S stayed home for a bit and had two babies within 19 months of each other. I instantly admired her ambition and fierce sense of self. I find we tend to admire characteristics of the people we want to be around. Or maybe they have characteristics we want to sharpen. Nothing fazed her. She could pop out babies (she has three now), bake cupcakes. manage a renovation, throw a party and go back to work on 5 hours of sleep. I, on the other hand have a hard time doing two things at once and usually it's because I'm curled up on the couch immersed in a book. The other reason I admired and respected her so much was because she was an unapologetic feminist. Not only did she talk the talk but she walked the walk. She was a full person regardless of being a woman. S was defined by her own choices and experiences. Not by her marriage, her children, her friends or her past but by the self she wanted to be.
As time passes, I find myself attracted to fiercely strong, capable and self possessed women. I detect insecurity and self hate like a bloodhound. I don't want to be around people who lack substance. I am attracted to women who juggle full lives and expect the men in their lives to jump in with just as much gusto. I want nothing to do with women who take a back seat. I didn't have a lot of support when I was a stay at home mom with two children under the age of two. I was financially dependent and incredibly lonely. I always felt like a single parent well before I became one. I had no family in Toronto and I am an only child. I did have a fantastic group of loyal and supportive friends. They rallied around the children and I. They became my family. I had to shed the image of the dependent woman quickly and grow up. There were two kids who needed me to take care of them.
I remember flying to BC with a one year old and a three year on my own. I was 30 years old and was going to visit my mum. It was a long flight there and a long flight back, I promised myself I would never be in that position again, alone and struggling. I kept thinking about all my friends back home who had husbands that would want to be with them on that plane. I figured this was temporary and some day I would find that person. To my credit, I have been vulnerable many times since, but I surrounded myself with people who did not take advantage of my need for support. Instead, they propped me up and reminded me that I deserved kindness. I began to understand that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my children while giving back to my friends. That strength comes from trusting others, relying on others and being vulnerable. It also comes from learning to trust yourself. It took me a long time to figure that out. It took me a long time to understand that before I could become independent I had to be comfortable with reliance on other people. Not because I was a woman but because I just needed support.
Last night I didn't just meet my friend. N and I met my friend and her husband of 17 years, D. They have always been best friends. S made sure she found him to help her fly. As I sat with my old friends over a glass of wine and caught up with them, I felt so grateful. Grateful to be with people I trust and love. Grateful to have female friends who demand the best for themselves, their spouse and their children. They say you attract what you are and character is destiny. I am going to do everything I can to stay on this path. I don't ever want my daughter to feel as scared and alone as I did with two little kids. I don't think she will, she has a mom who is okay with asking for help. M was brought up in a village. She will be one those fiercely strong woman who demands that her partner jump in and support her unconditionally.
My friend's company reminded me to how important it is for women to keep plodding along. Complacency is so easy at a certain point. Life is overwhelming when you are in the midst of the hurricane. There are so many obligations and demands on your time. S reminded me that no matter what, you need to take care of yourself. There is no recipe or instruction manual. It's whatever you need to do to keep your head above water. As we were chatting she reminded me she is a big supporter of girl power. I smiled in agreement thinking about our girls. We know what they will have to face. We know we have to be the example that they can rely on when they question themselves. It just felt good last night. A moment in time without anything in the middle except friendship. All I felt was admiration and respect. It was a good night.
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