How do we slow down?

I've been reflecting on this conundrum lately. I spread myself too thinly and I am living life on the surface.  I can't seem to find flow in my days as they are disjointed and compartmentalized.  I don't want to be a jack of all trades, master of none.  I would rather master one thing at a time and exhaust it's potential in order to fulfill myself.  However, that requires time.  The most precious commodity is time.  We all struggle with constant demands on our time and there are constant distractions.  Quite frankly, some of us thrive on being busy.  I am surrounded by people who fill every minute of every day with chores and appointments.  Their to do list is never ending.  People who are so driven that they work 12 hour days and train for marathons to manage the stress that is the result of those long days.  I get it, we need to find ways to calm the voices in our minds.  The nagging voice that keeps telling you that you aren't enough if your aren't continually accomplishing or achieving.  The voice that reminds you you're falling behind, trailing in the race.

I think what age is teaching me is that I will never win the race, never mind make the top 100 finalists.  I've accepted that reality or should I say I've accepted my limitations.  I can't turn back the hands of time.  I am no longer interested in proving myself or measuring myself against anyone else.  It seems like a waste of that precious commodity; time.  Instead I need to figure out how to hold on to the moments I still have.  In light of that revelation I've started practicing yoga regularly.  My mind is so busy and I find myself foggy and muddle minded a lot. I attribute my state of mind to being too busy.  I wish there was a stop button I could push but such is life.  I am not nearly as fast paced as some of my friends.  In fact I covet time and when I am able to move slowly I do without any guilt.  I allow my thoughts to unwind one at a time like my spine during yoga.

I have flocked to yoga like a moth to a flame.  The deliberateness of the movements appeal to me.  The time to focus on breathing and perfecting the movement of my body is calming.  The communal sense of connection as the group moves in sync finding flow in our breathing and bodies fills me with joy.  The unraveling of tension as the class progresses.  Week by week, month by month I feel a clarity in my mind I've never experienced and I am learning to be more patient.  This is a process but I do have time.  I have nowhere to go.  Not really.  I am starting to realize the brilliance of John Kabat-Zinn's aptly titled book on mindfulness ; Wherever you go there you are. 

Yoga and meditation teach you to focus on the moment which is incredibly challenging but I think this is how we find more time and slow down.  We find something that is meaningful to us and we give ourselves the time to practice and learn to master the skill.  If we are successful or not is irrelevant.  It's learning to find flow in the moment so time slows down.

A little fall reading

I don't know what it is about October. I always hope it will be mild and sunny but often it is dreary and dark.  It makes me feel like it's time to start preparing for winter.  I've been low on energy and in hibernating mode.  N and I spontaneously went to Blue Mountain for a night.  I always find when we go on these little getaways we find our groove.  We went to a local pub in the village and there was live music.  We left as they were shutting down the bar, we had been so engrossed in each other we lost track of  time. I've also been reading a lot.  Reading tends to be my escape and comfort.

A friend gave me Robert Sharma's newest book; The 5 AM Club: Own your morning. Elevate your life.  Sharma also wrote The Monk who sold his Ferrari which I loved.  I've subsequently reread it as a companion piece to the 5 AM Club.  Sharma encourages his readers to maximize their lives by rising early.  The idea is that from 5 am to 6 am you can take time for yourself.  It's time where you are able to focus your energy and calm your mind.  The idea is inspiring, the reality daunting. I was riveted by the story that Sharma tells about two people who are transformed thorough out the book by changing their poor habits.  He emphasizes that happiness can only be achieved when there is meaning in our pursuits.  The key is to find what is meaningful to you.  I agree with him, nothing will feel like work if you are inherently motivated.  These were reflective reads, I spend a lot of time reflecting on what is meaningful to me.  That's part of my journey.

Currently I am reading Matthew Desmond's book Evicted.  The book follows 8 families in Milwaukee who struggle to avoid homelessness. This is a difficult book to read  because it's an example of how the American dream is a myth. The families are for the most part African American, tending to be made up of  single mothers, drug abusers, petty criminals and the disabled.  They are the victims of sexual and physical abuse, mental illness, poverty and neglect. They are preyed on by street smart land lords who financially profit from their vulnerability and lack of support. They are stuck in the maze of the fractured American court system  It's a vicious circle that feeds off lack of education, racism and desperation.  It's a fantastic read, providing tremendous insights in to the inner workings of the American system. However, the book leaves me feeling sad and hopeless.  The contrast between Sharma's inspiring and motivating tales of finding your passion and fulfillment seem trite when 2 year olds are being removed from their beds in the middle of a cold winter night.

Desmond writes clearly, in plain language.  His style is impersonal yet detailed and frank. As you plod through the book your heart breaks over and over at the tragedy that is these people lives.  It is painful to realize how much more I expect out of life and how little other people receive.  I find I can handle the stories about adults, they make poor choices that determine their destiny.  They take the path of least resistance, lack self motivation and are often self indulgent.  I think they should know better.  It's the children that hit me hard, they are victims.  They are preyed on, neglected and scared.  I don't know to reconcile myself to a society that provides no safety net for innocent children.

The US is the wealthiest country in the world and it can't provide housing for 12% of it's citizens.  They have not been given the tools or opportunities to break free from lives of poverty and despair.  They are forgotten and left to rot.  I highly recommend this book.  It will allow you to transcend the tawdry tales of their President and learn about how those politics directly impact the people.  Cuts to social assistance, racism, poor health care and inner city decay.  Grinding poverty in a country whose wealthiest are in the top 1 percent of the world.  It's hard to reconcile as I live my cozy little life.  

Rinse and Repeat

I've been stuck in the grind lately.  I hit the alarm at 6:30AM and it's pitch dark when I make my way to the shower. I drive to work, go home, spend time with the family and go to bed.  Rinse and repeat. I have started to practice yoga which has been a bit of a personal escape.  It's true what they say, you do focus your mind as you focus on the breathing.

We've been in planning mode and just booked a trip to New Orleans for my cousin's upcoming wedding.  We are working on booking Paris in the spring and we will be getting married in Punta Cana, DR in the new year.  Those trips make me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel and they keep me moving forward.

In the meantime I've been doing my due diligence and actively crunching numbers to figure out when I can hit FI (Financial Independence).  The goal?  To wake up when I want to, to read lots and lots. And of course to travel.  As I've been trolling the internet, I've stumbled upon Millennial Money  Grant Sabatier has been all over the news lately because he was able to retire at 30.  Neat guy and I like how he thinks.  One post he wrote got me thinking, it was about when is enough really enough? The pursuit of money can become an addiction as opposed to a means to an end.  That struck a chord with me because this grind is a treadmill.  I want to keep my priorities in line and focus on why I want to follow a different path.  When I've accumulated enough, 25-30 times what I need yearly, it's time to pull the plug. 

It's so easy to get caught up in looking for happiness externally.  A new car, nicer clothes, more furniture and just more stuff.  Ultimately I truly believe that happiness comes from within and finding flow.  Immersing yourself in something you love.  You will never have enough if you look outside of yourself.  I just need to shake my head once in a while and remind myself, as I sit in this fluorescent lighting surrounded by cubicles that this is just a little off ramp.  This is not my life, this is a means to an end. 

Baltimore and change 

Last night was a quiet evening.  We came across the documentary Baltimore Rising.  The documentary explores the city after the death of Freddie Grey, a 25 year old black man. Allegedly he was carrying a knife and was arrested for carrying an illegal weapon.  Incarcerated and transported in a police van, Gray fell into a coma and subsequently died of "spinal chord injuries.".  Ten days later, 6 Baltimore police were charged with manslaughter and trials commenced.  The city erupted into massive rioting through out the 10 day period during which the cops were allowed to get their stories straight.

The documentary focused on the aftermath of the verdict. The documentary follows  African American activists, some of whom work with the police to try and stem the violence in the city.  And some of whom work tirelessly to seek justice against the deeply rooted racism in the Baltimore police department.  Kwame Rose, a young activist is prominently featured.  We watch him get arrested twice for minor disobedience.  The documentary portrays the racism endemic to the city and the lack opportunity for African American youth who are systematically targeted because of the color of their skin.  The tragedy of youth being wasted due to poverty compounded by police brutality is hard to fully understand.  I guess the constant question in my mind is why?  Why is there so much anger against people because of the color of their skin. Or is it fear? Those that are supposed to serve and protect are literally the enemy of the people.

I found the documentary powerful and inspiring. A former gang member turned activists is charismatic and fearless in his vulnerability.  Raging against the system that that produced him,  he is trying to find a way to use the anger for good, to help his community.  Tears streaming down his face he tries to convey what it's like to deal with the helplessness of being ignored because he's black yet stigmatized by the police for being black.  It breaks your heart to see the frustration and anger.  Quite frankly it made me want to help.  If anything I felt such anger on behalf of the communities and such respect for the young adults trying to change the system.  If you've got nothing going on I highly suggest you give it a go.  It will provide you with tremendous insight into the passion and pride of a community struggling in an American city.  You will see people being hurt and beaten down.  It's sheer injustice.  It's wrong vs. right. The Department of Justice did come down on the Baltimore Police and conducted a review.  It was scathing. Awareness was raised but change takes time.  It's reassuring to know that the people are being heard.  Check it out if you have a 90 minute window. 

A little adventure 

Last weekend N and I went to Pittsburgh for a little getaway.  We had a fantastic time as we always do when we travel together.  We arrived around dinner time and parked our car at the hotel, the stunning Fairmont in the centre of the city.  We immediately hit the market square for some dinner and people watching.  Then it was back to the hotel bar for a nightcap.  The next day we made our way to the strip district which is essentially a market.  Lots of cool old school stores and restaurants.  We lined up for brunch at the famous diner De Lucas.  It's awesome if you like a big, greasy breakfast with bottomless coffee.

Then it was back to the car because the main purpose of our day was to check out Frank Lloyd Wright's brilliant Fallingwater.  It's well worth the 90 minute drive to tour the stunning home built in 1936 for the Kaufmann family.  Their only son bequeathed the home to the Western Pennsylvania conservancy in 1963.  Since then, 6 million people have visited the home and it's a UNESCO world heritage sight.  I highly recommend a visit if you have any interest in architecture or just an interest in history.  The attention to detail and the ingenuity of the home is unbelievable. We bought a sketch that we will have framed as a reminder of the experience.  The home was built into the falls and Wright's vision was to immerse nature and the home.  Here's a shot of the outside, we weren't aloud to take pictures on the inside.  There are plenty of pictures on line if you are interested.  Each room has been preserved as though the family was still living in the home.

This is the goal, to get to a point where we can do this for weeks at time.  Explore and learn.  Leave the grind behind.  Be gypsies. I can't wait.

Struggle often leads to change

This week I received 7 back issues of the magazine New Escapologist.  As I've mentioned before I am a big fan of the blog new escapologist.  I ordered Robert Wringham's book which N is currently reading.  We think of it as a bit of a manual on how to live our lives.  The magazines are beautifully designed and arrived in a box, each glossy magazine wrapped individually in plastic.  It was such a treat to come home to. As I flipped through the magazines and read articles written by people whose lives are shaped by life choices that allow for so much freedom I am in awe.  They have turned their backs on consumerism, embraced minimalism and are practicing self-examination with the goal to develop and live authentic lives.  Wringham wrote that one should look at work as a "caper".  Work for 3-6 months and  quit,  take a break and work on a personal project.  Then rinse and repeat.

Gradually I am wrapping my head around all these concepts. I have concerns.  One red flag is that I do believe work ultimately provides intrinsic satisfaction and purpose.  Even the kind done in cubicles.  I understand that autonomy does not equate loafing around and playing video games. I understand that escapologists work all the time.  They have passions they pursue.  I, on the other hand, may end up donning sweats, piling up books on my coffee table and lose all sense of time while producing nothing.  I may just lose myself to to a life of hedonism.  I wonder if I have the self discipline to pursue passions?  I think I would be productive.  I think I would work on my own creative endeavors, this blog and perhaps attend university.  I think I would live a fuller life.

My second misgiving is that I am trapped by consumerism.  I am a product of my environment.  I don't love minimalism.  I am surrounded by my large collection of books and carefully selected art. A home that is filled with our life of consumerism.  We've worked hard to create this life and it takes a fair amount of resources to maintain our home and the children who share it with us.  I am less and less interested in what money can buy but I am well aware of how money can provide comfort.  I am not interested in frugality as an "ideal".  However, I don't want my stuff to trap me so it's a bit of a quandary. 

Suffice it to day I am gradually embracing the concept of escapology.  I truly believe that wage slavery is a form on indentured servitude and that corporations are merciless.  Work is not conducive to a life of unconventionality and adventure.  There are two trains of thought as far as I have observed.  Your either accept professional mediocrity and resign yourself to a life dictated by wage slavery.  This would be your pink ghetto employees, your middle management and clerks.  Or you work towards achieving power which often comes with far more flexibility yet demands a lot of sacrifice which few people are willing to make.  As well, those who have achieved a level of corporate mastery thrive on the competition and power games that are the politics of corporate dominance. 

 Idealism, escaping it all is intoxicating if the circumstances are in line with your life.  Ultimately the possibilities for how you want to live your life are endless.  If you have the foresight, the confidence and the freedom from responsibility to make radical choices then you are playing the game of life well.  If you can avoid wage slavery and pursue your passions with complete autonomy I think you are already successful.  I think the one caveat is that happiness is different for everyone.  What appeals to me today may change tomorrow. At this stage in my life escapology's advice to take a break is quite appealing.  I like working but I'd like to have more control over my time and have more flexibility.  I will keep reading, keep thinking and order the entire catalog of magazines.  I love how escapology makes me feel like I have choices.  That I'm not alone in my skepticism of conformity.  My biggest fear is that I am taking the path of least resistance out of fear.  That I am lacking in imagination.  Clearly I am struggling and that is good.  It means I am ready for a change and maybe ready to start taking some risks.  I don't want to miss out on anything while I wilt away under the fluorescent lighting and peek out over my cubicle wall at the slice of blue sky I can see through the window.    

Vulnerability and strength 

I went out for dinner with a friend last night.  One of those friends who you don't see for a few years and then you reconnect and it's like time never stopped.  We met through our daughters at a mommy and me playgroup when the girls were toddlers and we just clicked.  S stayed home for a bit and  had two babies within 19 months of each other. I instantly admired her ambition and fierce sense of self.  I find we tend to admire characteristics of the people we want to be around. Or maybe they have characteristics we want to sharpen. Nothing fazed her.  She could pop out babies (she has three now), bake cupcakes. manage a renovation, throw a party and go back to work on 5 hours of sleep.  I, on the other hand have a hard time doing two things at once and usually it's because I'm curled up on the couch immersed in a book.  The other reason I admired and respected her so much was because she was an unapologetic feminist.  Not only did she talk the talk but she walked the walk.  She was a full person regardless of being a woman.  S was defined by her own choices and experiences.  Not by her marriage, her children, her friends or her past but by the self she wanted to be.

As time passes, I find myself attracted to fiercely strong, capable and self possessed women.  I detect insecurity and self hate like a bloodhound.  I don't want to be around people who lack substance.  I am attracted to women who juggle full lives and expect the men in their lives to jump in with just as much gusto.  I want nothing to do with women who take a back seat.  I didn't have a lot of support when I was a stay at home mom with two children under the age of two.  I was financially dependent and incredibly lonely.  I always felt like a single parent well before I became one.  I had no family in Toronto and I am an only child.  I did have a fantastic group of loyal and supportive friends.  They rallied around the children and I.  They became my family.  I had to shed the image of the dependent woman quickly and grow up.  There were two kids who needed me to take care of them.

I remember flying to BC with a one year old and a three year on my own.  I was 30 years old and was going to visit my mum.  It was a long flight there and a long flight back,  I promised myself I would never be in that position again, alone and struggling.  I kept thinking about all my friends back home who had husbands that would want to be with them on that plane.  I figured this was temporary and some day I would find that person.  To my credit, I have been vulnerable many times since, but I surrounded myself with people who did not take advantage of my need for support.  Instead, they propped me up and reminded me that I deserved kindness.  I began to understand that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my children while giving back to my friends.  That strength comes from trusting others, relying on others and being vulnerable.  It also comes from learning to trust yourself.  It took me a long time to figure that out.  It took me a long time to understand that before I could become independent I had to be comfortable with reliance on other people. Not because I was a woman but because I just needed support.

Last night I didn't just meet my friend.  N and I met my friend and her husband of 17 years, D.  They have always been best friends.  S made sure she found him to help her fly.  As I sat with my old friends over a glass of wine and caught up with them, I felt so grateful.  Grateful to be with people I trust and love.  Grateful to have female friends who demand the best for themselves, their spouse and their children.  They say you attract what you are and character is destiny.  I am going to do everything I can to stay on this path.  I don't ever want my daughter to feel as scared and alone as I did with two little kids.  I don't think she will, she has a mom who is okay with asking for help.  M was brought up in a village.  She will be one those fiercely strong woman who demands that her partner jump in and support her unconditionally.

My friend's company reminded me to how important it is for women to keep plodding along.  Complacency is so easy at a certain point.  Life is overwhelming when you are in the midst of the hurricane.  There are so many obligations and demands on your time.  S reminded me that no matter what, you need to take care of yourself.  There is no recipe or instruction manual.  It's whatever you need to do to keep your head above water.  As we were chatting she reminded me she is a big supporter of girl power.  I smiled in agreement thinking about our girls.  We know what they will have to face.  We know we have to be the example that they can rely on when they question themselves.  It just felt good last night. A moment in time without anything in the middle except friendship.  All I felt was admiration and respect. It was a good night.